


The M Word

by NightsofTamara



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 17:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5100131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightsofTamara/pseuds/NightsofTamara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four times that Bella didn't want to get married, and one time she did. Takes place after Eclipse and ignores Breaking Dawn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The M Word

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in Aug 2008.

I – The Talk

 

Bella breathed a sigh of relief as she walked into the kitchen and dropped her book bag on the floor. Just this morning she had viewed her house as a prison after being grounded indefinitely, but the relief she felt at finally escaping the whispers and stares far outweighed any dissatisfaction she might feel with her restrictions. For the moment, anyway.

To make matters worse, Edward and Alice had spent most of the day holding one of their inscrutable vampire conversations, and, as usual, had deemed the subject under discussion too sensitive for human ears. The Volturi, her change, Edward's proposal, the weather in Timbuktu – who knew what they were talking about, unless they told her, and that seemed very unlikely.

Edward and Alice followed her inside. Alice was talking animatedly about some of their classmates, but Edward didn't seem to be paying attention to her words. He took in Bella's posture in a glance, and wordlessly enfolded her in his arms.

She felt Edward tense slightly, then relax just as quickly. "Emmett's skulking around outside."

"Emmett?" She looked up, but his face held no clues she could use to gauge his mood. "Why?"

"I'll let him tell you." The slightest of smiles crossed his lips. "He thinks he can sneak up on you."

"Spoilsport," Emmett muttered as he marched into the kitchen, arms raised like a criminal surrendering to the police. Bella was startled, despite the warning. She hadn't heard him open the front door, or any other noise that would have marked his passage, and the knowledge that Victoria could get into her house just as easily made her uneasy.

Emmett smiled gleefully at her reaction before looking at Edward and receiving a deadly glare in return. Alice didn't seem to have noticed him enter the room – she was busy wandering the kitchen, opening cupboards at random and clicking her tongue disdainfully at the human food they contained.

Emmett looked back and forth between them, then lowered his arms. "Geez, tough crowd."

"You should know I won't take a chance with Bella," Edward grumbled, still scowling. In the past she might have rolled her eyes at his anxiety, but between the threat that Victoria presented and her worry that he might leave her again she could only feel grateful for his vigilance.

"You're too overprotective," Emmett said on her behalf. He helped himself to the nearest chair, reminding Bella of the first evening Edward had spent at home with her. Emmett's large frame looked even more out of place sitting in it than Edward had. "So, what's up?"

"I should ask you," Bella retorted. "What are you doing here?"

"Just keeping an eye out for Victoria…." Bella flinched, and Edward squeezed her hand.

"…Now that we know what she's up to. She followed Charlie the first time, so I thought I'd stop by and keep an eye on the house."

"Thank you, Emmett," Bella said quietly.

Edward snorted. "Is that your only reason?" he asked pointedly.

"Well, no… hey, Alice!" Emmett called across the kitchen.

Alice opened the door to the refrigerator and began rifling through its contents. "Mmmm?" she answered without looking up.

"Are you coming home soon? Jasper's been moping all day, and you know what that's like. I was trying to watch TV earlier, and he nearly had me in tears."

She pulled a carton of milk off the shelf and opened it, sniffing it suspiciously before returning it to its place. "Don't be so hard on him. He's had a long week. And how do I know you weren't just watching sappy Hallmark movies again?"

"I was watching motocross, Alice! Motocross! I'm not going to make it to June if he keeps this up every time you leave the house."

"You could always drop out of school," Edward suggested to his sister.

"No way." Alice closed the refrigerator door, apparently finished with her inventory of Bella's kitchen. "I won't be the first Cullen to be a _truant_ – Rosalie would never let me live it down. I might as well run away with the circus, or join the Foreign Legion. Besides, I've never graduated in yellow before. I may never have this opportunity again."

Bella groaned at the mention of _graduate_ and _yellow_. "What's wrong?" Edward asked her, pulling her into his arms.

"I forgot about the ceremony," she explained into his shoulder. "I'm not going."

"Why not?"

"Are you kidding? All those people watching me… I'll be sure to trip over my gown, or knock over somebody's grandmother. It will be a disaster."

"I won't let you fall," Edward assured her, confident as usual.

"Well…." Alice began dubiously before he silenced her with a glare.

"It's silly, anyway," Bella continued, her face still pressed into Edward's shirt. "I still get to graduate whether I show up or not, so why subject myself to the public humiliation?"

Edward's lips pressed together into a thin line. "Sometimes a little ceremony is necessary, love."

Bella pulled away slightly so she could look him in the eye. "I disagree."

"So," Emmett began with all the nonchalance he could muster. "You never told me what has you all so on edge."

"Never mind," Edward growled, not taking his eyes off Bella.

"Nothing," Bella said at the same time, glancing over at Emmett. "It was just a… really long day. I _hate_ knowing that people are talking about me when I walk by. It was the first day of school all over again."

Edward made a sympathetic noise and pulled her closer once more. "Don't let it bother you. If it makes you feel any better, most of them are just shocked that you took me back. As am I."

"Right," she grumbled. "Except for the people claiming that I ran away to L.A. and dragged you back, or that I threatened to kill myself, or…." His face was paler than usual and his eyes were dark and furious, so she stopped before she reached the worst of the rumours that she knew were circulating. She was fairly well acquainted with the gossip after Jessica had helpfully repeated most of it to her in Trig. He must have already heard the talk in someone's mind, but there was no point in upsetting him.

Edward drew a deep breath, trying to calm himself, but before he could respond Alice interrupted him.

"Charlie's decided to leave work," she announced, straightening the magnets on the fridge into a perfect line. "We should probably leave before we get the little delinquent here into any more trouble."

Emmett guffawed, and Edward scowled. "I'll be back as soon as he's asleep," he promised in a low voice before kissing her gently.

"Oh, Bella," Alice called over her shoulder, stopping just inside the front door. "Just so you know, he's in the mood to talk."

Bella used the time to get a start on supper, and true to Alice's prediction, Charlie stomped through the door a half-hour later. Even without the warning she would have known immediately that something was on his mind. His face was drawn and he moved slowly, like a man walking to the scaffold. He asked her about her day – she lied and said everything was fine – and they made small talk until the food was ready. Bella watched him out of the corner of her eye as she nibbled on her corn, and so she was able to spot the exact moment that parental duty won out over discomfort.

"So." He put down his fork. "About Cullen."

Bella frowned. That was bad. Edward hadn't been 'Cullen' since she had returned from Phoenix with her leg in a cast, and even that had only lasted a few days. Faced with his daughter's unshakable insistence that Edward had nothing to do with her injuries, Charlie had quickly reverted to calling him by his first name, though with less warmth than he had previously exhibited.

"Yeah, Dad? What about" – she sounded his name out carefully, hoping he would take the hint – " _Edward_?"

"What about…?" he sputtered. "What do you mean, what about Edward?"

"I mean, what do you want to ask me?" Bella clarified quickly. Charlie's face was turning an unnatural shade of red, and she was uncomfortably reminded of Harry Clearwater and his tragic end.

He leaned back in his chair, his skin returning to a more normal colour. "Are you still intent on keeping him around?"

"Yeah."

Charlie exhaled angrily. "I don't suppose you're planning on seeing other people?"

She shook her head.

"After all he's done to you…." Charlie raised his hand, stopping Bella's objections. "Hear me out this one time, and then you can do your own thing. You asked me to think about it for a bit, and I did. I don't want you to move out, Bells. I like having you around, and I hope that you like being here. This thing with Cullen…." He ground his teeth together, and had to stop for a moment to control his temper. "Well, I don't blame you for any of that. In a perfect world it wouldn't be wrong to love someone too much. But I'm telling you now, I can't watch you go through that again. You'll go to Jacksonville, even if I have to drag you there in handcuffs."

Bella nodded silently, guessing that he had more to say.

"You know I don't like him, and I'm not going to get into all that again. It's just that I'd like it if you would at least consider keeping your options open when it comes to your social life. You deserve better, Bella. You deserve someone who isn't going to walk out on you."

"Someone like Jacob?" she guessed before she could think better of it.

Charlie's jaw tightened. "I never said that."

"I know," she sighed. "Look, Dad, I'm sorry. I know you mean well. But he's all I want."

"That's what I was afraid of," he muttered. "Hasn't your mother ever warned you about getting serious too young?"

"Once a month, at least," Bella admitted. "Sometimes once a week, if there was a news story about teen pregnancy."

Charlie's face darkened again, and Bella could tell his mind was wandering down paths he'd rather not think about. "It's too bad it didn't take," he said finally.

"Come on, Dad, it's not like I'm _marrying_ him," she threw in for Edward's benefit. Knowing him, he had stayed close enough to hear, and if not, Alice was sure to give him a play-by-play later.

"Maybe you should. That way you could take him to the cleaners if he leaves you again."

"Very funny."

"I wasn't trying to be." Charlie hesitated. "Speaking of your mother…."

"Oh, no," Bella moaned. She would have put her head down on the table if she hadn't had a plate of food in front of her.

"You can't disappear for three days and expect us to not talk about you. I had to tell her something," Charlie explained with a little too much enthusiasm. "But don't worry, I only told her that you came home with Cullen. You get the pleasure of explaining why you're taking him back."

 

* * *

 

II – Lions and Tigers

 

For most of his life, people had been comparing Emmett Cullen to a bear.

Even when he was still human, a McCarty instead of a Cullen, his relatives and neighbours had noticed his growing size early on. At first they'd called him a weed, a comparison he'd always found somewhat insulting, but when he began to grow as broad and muscular as he was tall, he'd been upgraded to a bear. The pattern was repeated as he grew into a man and ventured into town more frequently. Old timers would remark on his size and then promptly forget his name, and barkeepers would eye him with suspicion when he sauntered through the doors, concerned with keeping the peace in their establishments. The comparison came up most often with pretty young girls and their overprotective fathers. He suspected it was because the former wanted to roll around in a cave with him, and the latter wanted to shoot him.

Emmett felt that most of what had made him the man he was carried over with him to his next life, so it was no surprise when his new brother remarked that he looked like a rabid grizzly when Emmett had emerged from the forest, bloodstained and victorious, after his first hunt. And then there were the other boys at the endless succession of high schools they attended. It was fun to see them choke on their lunches the first time he walked into the cafeteria, and even more enjoyable when Edward told him they were worried he might take their place on the varsity team.

Altogether, he found the comparison apt. Bears, especially grizzlies, were strong and fearless, as well as being one of the few animals that could soothe his wild thirst for any appreciable amount of time. It was a source of pride to him. It had been a grizzly that had finally taken him down, but in the end he'd cheated death as well as the bear.

There was one drawback to adopting the bear as his totem animal, as it were, and that was that bears did not make good guard dogs.

Lions, on the other hand, could stalk and hunt their prey for hours, even days. Both of his brothers were like lions. He could easily imagine either one of them sitting here, outside of Bella's house, crouched in the dark all night, in the _rain_ , waiting patiently for Victoria or one of the Volturi to make an unexpected appearance. Edward liked to call Rosalie tenacious, but the man had practically invented single-mindedness. Emmett only had to look at his pursuit of Bella for proof. And Jasper – despite his occasional lapses in control – almost always got what he wanted, in time.

A bear was a little less focused, to be honest. When he was hungry, he ate. When he was tired, he slept. Emmett didn't know if bears could get uncomfortable, or bored, but he doubted they'd stick around long if they did. Even a bear knew enough to get in out of the rain.

Ugh, the rain.

Emmett stood up, his decision made, and sped across the backyard too quickly for human eyes to follow. He paused below Bella's window, contemplating his next move. She obviously had no problem with Edward simply slipping through her window and making himself at home, but she expected that from him when he was around. She wouldn't know that Emmett was going to drop in, and he didn't want to risk causing a commotion if he startled her.

A warning, then. He picked up a handful of small stones from the dripping lawn, and tossed them lightly at the closed window. They rattled off the glass, louder than the patter of raindrops against the pane, and he heard the lurch of Bella's heart as it sped up in response to the noise.

Emmett grinned. Humans were fun sometimes.

There was a grinding noise as Bella slid her chair back from her desk, followed by the sound of bare feet running across the wooden floor. Her face appeared at the window a second later, staring anxiously out into the darkness.

She probably couldn't see him, Emmett realized. He stepped back so that as much of the moonlight as possible shone on his face, and slowly waved his arms above his head as if he was directing the landing of a jetliner.

The window made only a tiny squeak in protest as she wrenched it open. "Emmett? Is that you?"

"The one and only. Can I come up?"

"S-sure, I guess," she stammered, then quickly backed away as he sprang from the ground and launched himself neatly through the open window.

He closed the window behind him gently, and when he turned around he saw Bella eying him warily. "Is something wrong?" she asked in a quiet voice. Her heart rate had slowed once she recognized him outside her window, but it picked up again when she spoke her question aloud.

"Nope. I just got bored. And a little damp."

She nodded quickly, seeming to understand the problem immediately. "Sorry about that."

"No worries. You're family now."

"I wish," she muttered.

He grinned, sitting in her rocking chair and leaning forward. "You've got no one but yourself to blame for that."

Bella's mouth dropped open and her eyes widened in shock. "You know?"

"Of course. We don't have any secrets. Alice saw the whole thing."

She exhaled impatiently and dropped onto her bed, pulling herself into a sitting position across from Emmett. "I know that," she huffed. "I can't believe she'd spill the beans."

He stared back at her in disbelief. "We're talking about Alice here, right?"

"It's completely unnecessary."

He laughed out loud for a fraction of a second before he remembered Bella's father was downstairs watching TV, and stifled as much of the noise as he could. Bella watched him chortle with an irritated expression on her face, a faint furrow appearing between her eyebrows.

"Tell that to Alice," he finally managed to choke out. "Not only does she get to play the sympathetic sister and console him with a happy vision now and then" –

She gasped silently, her brown eyes widening, and he decided that now would be a good time to stop talking.

"You have to console him? He was that upset?"

"Well, you did reject him, though he only gets mad when we tease him about it."

Her brows rose even higher. "You do not!"

"Come _on_ , Bella. Not even the vampire girl wants to be Mrs. Edward Cullen. It's comedy gold!"

"Emmett!" she wailed, then clapped her hand over her mouth. They both froze, listening, but Charlie didn't stir from his place in front of the baseball game.

"If you knew what he was like to live with you wouldn't blame us for running with it," he told her, resuming his defence in a near-whisper. "Even Carlisle and Esme take shots at him once in awhile."

She nibbled on her bottom lip, her expression somewhere between outraged and guilty. Unconsciously she leaned forward, matching Emmett's posture.

"I didn't know he was serious about all that. I thought it was mostly an act," she mused.

"It's Edward," he shrugged. "Serious is kind of his thing, don't you think?"

She nodded, allowing that, and then the line was back between her eyebrows. "What do you mean by 'a happy vision'?"

"You know, of you and Edward together."

"We're already together. He doesn't need a vision for that."

"No." He held up his left hand and wiggled his fingers at her, his battered wedding band catching the light. "Like that."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Emmett heard Charlie stirring downstairs. The television made a zapping noise as it was turned off, and he motioned for Bella to be quiet. They sat still and silent, listening as he tread heavily up the stairs and down the hall.

"He'd better not be getting his hopes up," Bella muttered once she heard Charlie's door click shut. "It's just a possibility."

"Aren't you the one who's betting on Alice?"

She exhaled sharply. "Is there _anything_ about my personal life you all haven't discussed?"

He thought about it briefly. "Not really."

Bella glared at him.

"What? We like to debate things."

She rolled her eyes and looked away, but he could already see her irritation beginning to fade.

"Really though, that makes him happy?" she asked a moment later.

"Extremely."

He waited while she considered this, watching her roll up the corner of the blanket she sat on before unrolling it again and starting over.

"I don't see what the big deal is," she said finally. "If he changed me I'd marry him eventually. He's only delaying what he wants by being so stubborn." She looked at Emmett. "You would have changed me by now, wouldn't you? If you could, I mean," she qualified quickly, seeing his panicked expression. "Not that I'm asking you to."

"Probably," he admitted, and she smiled slightly. "But I don't always think things through," he continued. "Carlisle always does, and so does Edward. It's probably for the best."

"I hope so," she agreed, frowning.

"It never hurts to be surrounded by people that want the best for you. Trust me." Emmett looked out the window. "It's stopped raining, and you should get to sleep. I'd better get back out there."

"Okay," she sighed. "Sorry you have to be on guard duty. I wish it wasn't so boring."

"Well, you could try saying something interesting while you're sleeping. It gets dull only hearing Edward's name over and over again."

Bella flushed to the roots of her hair. Emmett laughed and leapt back through the window before he could get thirsty, then disappeared into the woods.

 

* * *

 

III – Vegas

 

Jasper and Alice walked into the clearing that the Cullens would call home for the night, the first to complete their hunt. Neither was as picky as Emmett, who would no doubt insist on bear the night before the fight; nor as captivated by the outdoors as Esme, who would want to explore the unfamiliar forest once she had eaten; thus ensuring they would have some time to themselves before the rest of their family returned.

Alice stretched out in the dewy grass, arms above her head, and stared up at the starry sky. Jasper sat beside her on a rock, surprised to find himself as close to content as he thought possible. The blood of the elk he had just consumed didn't completely satisfy him – nothing ever did, aside from the occasional hapless human that was unlucky enough to cross his path on one of his weaker days – but it was enough to dull the hunger, to make him feel fast and strong. It would be enough for the battle, he reasoned, the urge to deliberately hunt humans again having mostly passed once the wolves had agreed to fight on their side.

There was a good chance things would not go precisely as planned, he forcefully reminded himself after taking a moment to marvel, once more, at the novelty of working with the pack. One of his female relatives had a favourite saying when he was a boy: 'Man plans, and God laughs'. He could no longer recall who it had been; mother or cousin, aunt or grandmother, but the words had kept with him ever since. There were so many things that could go wrong. Victoria could be early, or late. She might split her forces before she arrived, coming at them from both sides. Her newborns might miss the trail, trickling into the helpless human town instead of remaining in the hills. And the pack… the pack was an unknown quantity.

It had bothered him, working with the dogs. His experiences during the vampire wars were useless to him when dealing with them, and combined with the temporary loss of Alice's power, gave him the feeling he was trying to lead a battle while blindfolded. It wasn't until the second night of preparation that he realized where he'd gone wrong. He'd spent the previous day feeling the tug of familiarity, then becoming frustrated when he was unable to recall what was toying at the edges of his memory.

The answer eluded him for more than a day before it came to him. Nothing fit, because he had been fighting a different war in his mind. He was remembering a time that he fought with muskets and bayonets rather than teeth and hands. The wolves weren't mindless newborns, but they weren't loyal allies either.

The wolves were mercenaries.

After that, it had been easier. He spoke to them as he would have when he'd been living, carefully explaining their role and how they could best accomplish it. Never giving away anything that could undermine the family, never making plans that would rely on the pack for more than a brief span, and all the while spinning alternatives in his head, deciding what he would do if it all went wrong and it came down to the Cullens versus the newborns – or worse.

He should be worried. He felt he ought to be on edge, pacing, running through his plans one last time, but he couldn't seem to work up even a moment of anxiety. Tonight, in this place, with his wife glowing faintly in the moonlight before him, he felt as calm as if the outcome had already been decided in their favour.

Perhaps it was not so strange after all. In his human days there came a time, in the hours before battle, that even the callowest of boys felt a certain peace come over them. Those that were praying men prayed, and those that were not cursed, and every one of them accepted their fate for what it was.

He could abide anything that might befall him. Jasper was determined only that Alice should survive, and if not… well, Edward wasn't the only one that could make a desperate arrangement.

He stared down at the object of his thoughts and where she lay resting on the ground. Her eyes were unfocused, but her face was not peaceful, and he knew she was no longer watching the stars.

"You can't see the fight, can you?" he asked. There was more anxiety behind the question than he cared to admit. As much as the commander in him hated not knowing the outcome, losing the wolves at this point would be more than disastrous.

Her lips moved slowly. "I'm not watching for the fight."

He waited. Her eyes closed, and she lay in the grass that swayed in the night breeze, motionless save for the flutter of her lids now and then.

She remained still when he unfolded himself from his perch, standing with less noise than the wind made in the grass. He knew she could hear him.

"I'm going to find some firewood," Jasper told her. Alice didn't respond, but he didn't expect her to.

Deadfall was plentiful in this part of the forest, and gathering the wood was the work of a minute. None of them needed the heat for comfort, let alone survival, but a fire was a cheerful thing and it couldn't hurt to raise spirits this close to the battle.

Alice was sitting up when he returned, her posture rigid and her eyes wide. "What is it?" he asked as he laid the wood in a pile next to her, allowing a note of concern to creep into his voice.

She sat frozen for an interminable moment, long enough for his well-trained mind to begin conjuring worst-case scenarios. Victoria was in Forks. The wolves weren't coming. The wolves _were_ coming, but not on their side. Fear twisted his gut.

Alice leaned back with a satisfied smile, the tension leaving her shoulders. "Ah, I see. _Finally_."

"What do you see?" His voice sounded thick to his own ears.

"Bella, in a white dress," she declared happily. "It took her long enough…." Her brow furrowed as she watched the vision unfold before her. "But what if… no, if the _dog_ was there I wouldn't see anything. Yes, there he is. There's Edward. They look good together. The Bruyere was a good choice, if I say so myself."

Alice looked at him directly for the first time since they had finished their hunt, and he was surprised to see that her expression was irritated. "Really, Jasper," she chided. "Couldn't you take the time to brush your hair for your own brother's wedding?"

"No one will be looking at me anyway," he argued, shrugging, but she wasn't listening.

"Details, details," she muttered, already turning her attention back to the future that only she could see. "The flowers could be better… I must have been working on short notice. Typical. She drags her heels for months and then it's rush, rush, rush…. Ugh, who invited him? Never mind, it's fixable. I'll have Esme run damage control for that little incident. At least the shoes are perfect. I wonder where I picked them up? France, maybe…."

Alice's monologue trailed off as she was forced to concentrate harder, and she began to tap her fingers against the ground impatiently.

"Oh!" she gasped, sitting up.

"What is it?" Jasper demanded, dread creeping up on him again. If there ever was a star-crossed pair, it would be those two.

"It's gone," she explained in a worried voice. "I don't understand. I've seen flashes before, but never anything so clear! What on earth could have made them change… oh! It's back!"

She nibbled her lip, eyes focused determinedly on their brother and the vision of his elusive wedding. Her forehead creased and she suddenly looked perplexed.

"Well," she amended. "I think it's back."

"You think?" He had little experience in such matters, but it seemed odd that she couldn't be sure… either it was a wedding or it wasn't.

"No, no, it's strange. There they are again…. Hmm, Vegas." Alice paused for one beat. "I can work with that. At least they look happy, even Bella. He's bought her some flowers… all right, enough of that, you two. Where's the wedding?"

She froze, her mouth forming a perfectly round _o_. "No," she breathed. "No, no, no!"

There wasn't time for him to panic again. He could only watch, dumbstruck, as she drew a deep breath, hissing the air through her teeth.

A good leader made a point of noticing things. Jasper had been married for well over fifty years, and there was an awful lot about his wife to notice. He'd made it his life's work to memorize every expression that crossed her pixie face, which was why he didn't need his power to know in an instant that she was not frightened after all.

Alice was furious.

" _That's_ the wedding?" she exploded, exhaling loudly. "A five-minute ceremony in front of a hired hack, wearing old clothes? What were they thinking? How can they _do_ this?"

"Well, technically they haven't _done_ anything yet," he noted.

"Oh no, not yet, but it's so clear. I can just see them plotting together, planning how they're going to get this one by me. Well it won't work!"

"Alice," he interrupted hesitantly.

" _God_ , Edward," she chided their absent brother. "You of all people should know how important this is. At least he got the ring right."

"Alice," he said again, louder. "You can't stop them from eloping."

He knew the words were a mistake as soon as they crossed his lips. So much for his attention to detail.

His wife's face went perfectly smooth and expressionless, her anger disappearing with the lines around her mouth and eyes. She was perfectly still, staring off into space, and he couldn't be sure if she was searching for her ideal future or if she was hatching a plot in her pretty little head to make things go her way. A spark lit in her golden eyes, and emotions began to flood from her in response to what she was thinking. Enthusiasm, excitement, a hint of trepidation and, underpinning them all, a deep sense of satisfaction.

Her face changed again, breaking into an enormous, blinding smile. "Watch me."

 

* * *

 

IV – An Impasse

 

Edward growled as he turned the Volvo off the highway, catching the sound of Emmett's voice as it filtered through the forest. He was still too far away to make out clearly what his brother was saying, but the tone told him all he needed to know. He was at it again.

Bella's eyes were wide and questioning. "It's nothing," he assured her quickly. "Emmett's just practicing."

"Again?"

"He never really stops," Edward admitted, making a face. "Asking him to officiate might not have been one of my better ideas. I had no idea the power would go to his head."

Emmett was still pontificating when Edward parked the car, his voice rising and falling with a grandeur the world's best televangelist would likely sell his soul for. Bella giggled when she heard him, nearly a full minute after Edward had sensed the sound of his voice. "He's taking this very seriously, isn't he?"

"I think we should avoid the house this afternoon, or I imagine he'll want to perform his sermon for you."

"He wrote a _sermon_?" Bella frowned as Edward guided her behind the house, one hand against her back. "He didn't have to do that. All we need is the basics. Bella do you take Edward? Edward do you take Bella? I now pronounce you, kiss-kiss, the end."

"Don't worry about that," Edward sighed. "It's hardly suitable for public performance. He spends half his time preaching hellfire and damnation, and the other half making terrible fang jokes. Alice would dismember him before she'd let him deliver it on our wedding day."

"What about the rest of your family?" Bella protested as he led her through the backyard. "Won't they wonder what's happened to us if we don't go inside?"

Edward laughed mirthlessly. "Oh, they're long gone. Poor Esme's already heard it a half-dozen times at least, and the others almost as often."

Emmett's sermon broke off suddenly. "Some people just don't understand old-time religion!" he shouted from inside the house, loud enough for Bella to hear.

Bella laughed, then fell silent as they continued past where the lawn merged with the forest and on to where the trees thinned at the banks of the river. When he finally looked at her she was smiling slightly.

"Do you think Alice might change her mind?" She slipped one of her hands into his and pulled him down to sit beside her near the water's edge. "I'd feel a lot better about this marriage stuff if Emmett scared all the guests off ahead of time."

"Bella," he sighed, frustrated, and ran his free hand through his hair. "Really, is it so terrible to marry me?"

"Yes," she answered without hesitation.

"Tell me how you really feel, Bella, don't spare my feelings."

"Sorry." She rubbed her thumb across the back of his hand in an attempt to soothe him. "It's not you, you know that, right? If it was just you, Emmett and an empty room I'd be fine."

"As long as no one ever spoke of it again, of course.'

"Of course," she giggled nervously, then slid onto her knees beside him and laid one hand against his face. Her expression was abruptly solemn. "You know I don't need any of that. All I want is you."

He placed his hand on top of hers, holding it in place. "Is it really so awful to stand up in front of all your friends and family, and tell them you love me? That you want to be with me for the rest of your life? Assuming that's how you really feel, of course."

"You know I do."

"Do I?"

"Of course." Her eyes searched his. "Why would you say that?"

" _Bella_ ," he hissed, and she shrank back slightly, away from what she saw in his expression.

He froze. Not even a breath crossed his lips as he studied her, taking in her wide eyes and stiff posture. She was as still as a human could be, unable to control the trembling in her hands or her shaky breathing, let alone the heartbeat that sounded like it might pound out of her chest.

Edward dropped the hand that was holding hers, allowing it to fall limply to her lap. He reached out for her, relief flooding through him when she leaned toward him. He held her against his chest, his chin settling on top of her hair, and rubbed soft circles into her back.

They sat like that for several minutes, until her breathing evened out and her pulse quieted to a reasonable level. "I'm sorry," he murmured, kissing her temple. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry – I never meant to frighten you."

"It's all right," she said, kissing him lightly on the chin. A month ago she would have claimed she wasn't frightened, and he felt unexpectedly grateful for her honesty.

"It's just that… it's like it's going to kill you to marry me," he explained, the frustration creeping back into his voice before he had even finished his sentence. "When I gave you the option of refusing in the meadow, I meant it. Whatever you want, with no strings attached. I was so happy when you agreed; it was like a dream come true. But to have you constantly remind me of how little it means to you…."

" _You_ mean a lot to me," she interrupted. "Not some silly human ritual."

"Even if that silly human ritual would make me happy?"

"Why?" she challenged. "You know that you already have me. I'm giving you my heart, my soul – everything."

"Exactly," he argued back. "You're willing to let me _kill_ you in reality, but you won't pledge your love to me in front of a few witnesses? Forgive me for being confused, but I admit that your logic escapes me."

She sighed, eyes closing and shoulders slumping in defeat. "I know." Bella raised her head, her gaze pleading. "I'm sorry for that. I'll try not to be such a downer, I promise."

His gaze softened, and he pulled her closer. "You don't have to pretend. Just give me some assurance that you're not going to leave me at the altar. That's all I'm asking."

"I'll be there," she promised.

"Reluctantly," he added under his breath, and Bella pretended not to hear.

 

* * *

 

V – Everything in the Right Order

 

Bella knew that Edward tried his best to limit the amount of time he had to spend away from her, hunting. He had admitted from the very start that being away from her made him anxious, and it only became worse when they'd returned from Italy and he'd learned of Bella's nightmares. She'd had the dreams since he left, but after meeting the Volturi they'd shifted to a frightening, disorienting abbreviation of their time apart. It always began with her searching for him in the woods, and it always ended with the woman with the rosary beneath the tower in Volterra. If Edward was unable to make the dreams disappear entirely, then he was determined to do his best to ensure that Bella would never awaken from one outside of his arms.

Even so, a vampire still had to eat now and then.

Bella tended to pass the time on his rare overnight trips at his house. The tangible reminders of his presence lessened the pain of his absence, even if only slightly, and the rest of his family was a welcome distraction. Even a makeover from Alice was preferable to an evening moping around her relatively empty house, though she'd never admit it to anyone.

She lay curled up on his bed late one evening, midway through an impossibly long Edward-less weekend. Charlie thought she was spending the time with Alice, which was more or less true – at least until Edward returned on Sunday night, a full day earlier than her father was expecting. She didn't really think he needed to know about that little detail. She'd discussed wedding plans with Alice, watched a movie with Emmett, played chess with Carlisle and even had a reasonably normal conversation with Rosalie about Africa, which had exhausted her more than anything else she'd done that day.

Bella had changed into her pyjamas with something resembling relief. Sleep was one of the few things she could do without missing Edward – unless you counted the bad dreams.

She curled up on his large, gold bed, and turned off the light, but the rest her body craved eluded her. She lay in the dark for what seemed like hours, breathing in the scent of him that lingered everywhere in the room, attempting to clear her mind for sleep. Instead of settling on some calming subject, her thoughts insisted on fixating on things that made her feel anything but tired. Finally she kicked the covers off in frustration, letting the cool night air wash over her flushed skin before she rose and padded across the plush carpet to the door.

The house was quieter than she would have expected, considering she was the only occupant that required rest of any kind, though it was possible that the lack of noise was solely for her benefit. Most of the lights had been dimmed after she had gone to bed but she was still able to find her way easily down the wide stairway to the second floor. Nothing moved as she tiptoed down the hallway, though they all must have heard her leave the room. If she hadn't known better she might have thought she was completely alone in the house.

She stopped outside of the door to Carlisle's study and raised her hand to knock.

"Come in, Bella," a voice called before she could move any further.

The lights in the study were turned low, and a glance told her the room was empty. After a moment of confusion she realized that Esme had called to her from an adjoining room, which was connected to the study by a narrow door tucked into a recess in the wall. If it hadn't been for the ribbon of light shining from the doorway she might never have noticed it was there.

Bella pushed the door open, stepping into the hidden room. Though Carlisle's study was hardly severe or intimidating, this room had a noticeably softer feel to it, almost exuding calm. A glance was all it took to tell her what lay between these walls was completely Esme's domain, even more so than the rest of the house she had designed. The walls were painted a rich gold colour, not unlike the décor in Edward's room, and were hung with drawings and paintings Bella guessed had never been seen in a gallery. One side of the room was entirely taken up by the glass wall, and on the opposite side stood a large stone fireplace, unlit at the moment. The mantle above was crowded with knickknacks, little things that held no value at a glance but likely contained a wealth of memories for whomever had placed them there. And sitting on a loveseat in the centre of the room, looking at home in the artfully decorated space, was Esme.

Esme set aside the book she was reading – the writing on the cover was in a language Bella couldn't recognize, let alone decipher – and graced her with a gentle, welcoming smile.

"Good morning," she said, patting the loveseat beside her. She didn't look at all surprised to see Bella, though a glance at the clock on the wall told her that it was closer to morning than night. "Carlisle had to leave for the hospital about an hour ago. Is there something wrong?"

"I can't sleep," Bella admitted. She sat down gratefully next to Esme on the small sofa, marvelling again at how creatures with no real need for comfort managed to select furniture that would satisfy even the pickiest human. Esme waited, her brilliant amber eyes locked on Bella's. From anyone else such a look would have been intense, even uncomfortable, but Esme's unblinking gaze was filled with patience and understanding.

"I keep thinking about later. About my change," Bella confessed, dropping her voice to nearly a whisper. She was fairly certain that the rest of the Cullens would still be able to hear her if they cared to listen, but it seemed wrong to speak of it aloud here in this shadowed room, in the hours before dawn.

"Are you afraid?"

"No… well, yes. I'm scared of the pain." Bella's courage was rapidly deserting her, and she rushed through the rest of the words before she could chicken out. "I wanted to talk to Carlisle because I wish I knew more of what to expect. Can you tell me what it was like? For you?"

Esme studied her again, and this time she was silent for so long that Bella worried she wasn't going to answer. At last she reached out, touching her cool hand to Bella's warm one where it rested in her lap.

"Carlisle told me he'd already talked with you about this."

"He did." Bella looked down, studying the faint pattern woven into the fabric of the loveseat. "Edward was there, too."

"Ah." Esme's hand squeezed hers gently. "I can see how that might have limited the conversation."

"It was awful. He was in so much pain, and every time Carlisle said something it just got worse." Bella's voice cracked a little toward the end, and she took a shaky breath to calm herself before continuing. "He was so angry afterwards. I tried to tell him that it was okay, he didn't have to do it if he didn't want to, but he wouldn't hear of it." She felt her eyes brim with unshed tears. "Sometimes I wish I'd never made this deal with him. I should have taken Carlisle up on his offer at the beginning."

Esme raised her other hand to smooth Bella's hair. "You have to understand, to Edward it makes little difference if he lets Carlisle change you or if he does it himself. Either way he'll find a way to take the blame wholly upon himself. It's his nature to torment himself so."

"I know. I just wish he would stop." She managed to choke back her unshed tears and meet Esme's eyes. "Was it the same with you and Carlisle? He cared for you when you were a human, and he changed you."

"In a way, I suppose, but I'm afraid there's little comparison with you and Edward. Carlisle had only met me once, years before, so at the time he was only trying to give a desperate young woman another chance at life." She laughed softly. "He claims he saw the potential from the very beginning, but I think he's being rather ridiculous. He's always been a hopeless romantic."

The humour faded from Esme's face, leaving only her obvious worry behind. "It will be different for you and Edward," she asserted. "The pain… well, it's not an easy thing to watch. I thought it would kill me with Rosalie and Emmett, and I didn't know them from Adam. Not to mention that it was the only choice for them: Change or death. But for you…."

"It _is_ the only choice for me," Bella whispered, not trusting her voice not to break again under the weight of the emotion it carried. "Even he must see that."

"He might," Esme allowed, though her tone was less than optimistic. "I imagine he would, if it was only the crossing over that worried him, but Edward doesn't believe in the truth of his own goodness." She put her stone arm around Bella's shoulders, drawing her closer, and Bella let her head rest on Esme's shoulder, relaxing into her cool embrace.

"Oh, Bella," she breathed. "I wish you could talk this over with him. He's so afraid of hurting you somehow – losing control, or destroying your soul. He's never thought that he deserves happiness, and he's just waiting for something to go wrong. He worries that you'll hate what he's done to you, that you'll hate _him_ in the end."

Bella was shaking her head before Esme had finished. "That's impossible," she scoffed.

"Not to Edward, it isn't. It's his greatest fear, aside from harming your soul."

Bella sat quietly, thinking over what she had just heard. It hardly seemed possible that he could believe she would love him any less once she was turned; but then again, it was Edward. At one time he'd thought she could be happy with someone else if only he took himself out of the picture. The more she considered it, the more unlikely it seemed that Esme was exaggerating his reluctance.

"I'm sorry," Esme apologized, misunderstanding her silence. "I hope I didn't upset you."

"No, it's all right. I'd rather know what he's thinking."

"I doubt I've helped you sleep tonight," she fretted.

"It's all right." Bella sat up, smoothed her hair and rubbed at her eyes. "Edward will be back soon. I always sleep better when he's around." She turned back to Esme. "Thank you. I really would rather know."

The moon had risen when Bella climbed the stairs to Edward's room, bathing the house in pearly light. She slid between the sheets gratefully even though she didn't feel particularly tired, welcoming the opportunity to mull over what Esme had told her without any interruptions. She and Edward were so compatible in most ways, but they never could see eye to eye on the important things. Marriage, sex… eternal damnation….

She raised her left hand, watching the moonlight sparkle off the facets of her ring, and wondered if she would have felt better about the wedding if she and Edward hadn't been born more than eighty years apart. There was no guarantee that she would have been _that girl_ even in 1918, and she wouldn't have the incentive of impending vampire transformation to sweeten the deal. On the other hand, maybe she would be more enthusiastic if she hadn't been raised to view the entire institution with dread and horror. It meant something different to Edward than it did to her; it was what you did in the early part of the century when you were young and in love and wanted everyone to know it.

That was most of the problem. Edward wanted her to prove her love by repeating a few vows, and she wanted him to prove his by biting her on the neck and injecting her with his venom. No wonder they couldn't come to an easy agreement.

His way was certainly simpler, she'd give him that, but it had nothing on her method for permanence. Bella let her hand flop down against the gold comforter with a satisfying _smack_ and scowled at the ceiling. Of all the silly, ridiculous, irrational things to be worried about, Edward actually thought there was a chance she wouldn't love him once she was a vampire. She knew she wouldn't be the same for a few years after the change at least – it was the driving force behind their latest compromise – but he'd assured her that her feelings would return to her. Whatever happened to 'the same Bella, just more durable'?

She did her best to ignore the small, scared voice that whispered that maybe he did know what he was talking about, but a lone shiver snuck through.

Her eyelids started to feel heavy, but she fought back the wave of exhaustion that threatened to overwhelm her. Permanence. She'd grown up knowing first-hand that wedding vows weren't forever, but Edward wouldn't see it in quite the same way. Just as he refused to see the persistence of her love for him, of her decision to become one of them….

If she married him, that would be just one more bond between them. She could belittle it and downplay it all she wanted, but it would be there nonetheless. To Edward's way of thinking, it might very well be the most important tie between them. If there was a chance she wouldn't feel the same when she was changed – she refused to believe that it would happen, but it never hurt to be sure – it would be the only thing that claimed her as his from this life into the next. She would lie down for the last time as a human wearing his ring, and she would awaken as a vampire still wearing it.

Her eyelids drooped and then closed as sleep dragged her under, but not before she made a silent resolution. She still hated the thought of marriage. It was a useless human institution, and completely unnecessary in their case; the vows they spoke couldn't cover the tiniest fraction of

what she felt for him. Everyone would think she was pregnant, or insane, or both. Alice was sure to go completely overboard, and the thought of walking down the aisle in front of dozens of people while wearing high heels made her feel like she might break out in hives.

But all that paled compared to the knowledge that maybe by going through with it, she could make Edward feel that much better about changing her. She couldn't lie to herself – the three days were going to be agony for him as much as her, and there was probably very little she could do to change that. But if all this would make it just a little bit easier for him, she would do it a hundred times over. A thousand.

It would all be worth it if he could look down at her and see past her pain and suffering, past his own guilt and second thoughts. If he could see the ring on her finger and believe that she would be _his_ Bella when she woke up: stubborn, happy, and entirely too much in love with him.


End file.
